Tuesday 11am, still no news from him

I start to wonder if is dead.

I know he was craving a shot so much he will have done it without making sure naloxone was available near him. Last time I said he was with a good friend but I did not explain the whole story. He actually was with a good friend and her boyfriend and when he overdosed they were in a crack house so my friend did want to leave him pass out alone there, he will have been robbed. Yes people rob drug addict who overdoses and leave them for dead without calling an ambulance.

Story apart I met a homeless guy that once told me he went to shot in a subway entrance. That the guy who assure security at that station looked at the whole scene from the camera and told him after he was followed by a man who saw him buy the drug and then waited for him to shot and pass out so he could go and steal his jacket. The security guy arrived too late and the coat was gone, fortunately there was nothing left in the jacket pocket but winter is hard in Canada and stealing the coat of a homeless guy is ruthless.

Back to my boyfriend in the crack house,our friend ask her boyfriend to get naloxone from the nearest pharmacy and then she waited, and, waited, and waited, and he's not coming back. So she scream : "if anyone touches that guy while I'm gone you gonna have to explain yourself to me." She's a real bad ass and well known in the area so it worked. I laugh with him later saying that I, first of all would not have think about that and second would have been laugh at if I tried something like that. I'm not bad ass and, in that world, I realized that I could say anything it will always shows that I come from middle class. So she went to get the naloxone and saved him herself and guess what, the boyfriend never showed up that day... he just left them there, him to die in her arms.

I hope he is not dead.

That same first nation girl, she saved my live too, differently but still I owe her. She's the one who texted me he was seen near the injection center, Cactus, I was afraid it was the police at first because, even if they are supposed to ID themself as police officers, they do text as if they were mates to try to id people in the neighborhood. First time they did, I could not believe it but then the same number texted : "Hey open, it's me", and it was clearly police officers outside our house, in the time we still had a house. Heroin really fucked up our lives, and now I**'m pretty sure he is dead or in prison.**
He left Thursday, six days without news start to be very suspect.
Maybe I should call the prison today, see if they have him. It is just that, last time I called them ten times without an answers.

The people that brought him to Montreal have to go back here and they will leave him and the dog. I hope they are at least together. If only the dog could call me and explain what happened, I'm sure it will have the decency to do so. He is a good boy.

For my part I refuse to take my entire bottle of methadone at the pharmacy, I want to stop. Researchers call it "liquid handcuff"(1) I do feel handcuffed to the pharmacy, I have to walk a hour every day to get there and another hour to go back to the house. I'm far to be free and I'm tired not to be the one in charge of my life.

Sometime I think it is a good thing that Wonki left because without him dragging me back into addiction all the time I'll be free to take my life back into my own hands. I'm allowed to say that only if he is in prison. I would not think anything near that if he is dead. I don't know how I will react to his death. I should not think about it. I shouldn't.

Not taking my entire methadone doses everyday makes me dream of heroin every night, all night long. I always dream that I'm about to do a shot but something always pop up to prevent me from doing it. Yesterday I was trying to write down a dealer phone number into my cell phone but the numbers were never right, they were even letters instead sometimes, it was very frustrating and when I finally find some, I do not have the right tools, and then people around are laughing at me saying I don't know how to prepare my shot, and I end up dropping half of it on the ground. Terrible. It happened once in the real life that my boyfriend dropped the last bit we had. It was already diluted in water and we took it with a cotton ball from the ground and took it anyway. No waste.

I would love to go on and on about my heroins nightmares but I'll leave the darkweb for now. I'll come back later, hopefully with news from Wonki (let's call him like that)
Take care -xxx- let me know if you read me by leaving a comment <3